Here is How you Can Empower Your Child’s Self-Esteem

“I’m constantly empowering my children and complimenting them for everything they do and say, and still they have no confidence.  I help them with everything they need so they will feel successful, and it just doesn’t help.  What more should I do to empower them, make them feel confident?”

I get asked this question, and many like it by lots of mothers, and it is time to put things in their proper place.

First of all it is important to differentiate between a compliment and the process of empowering your child.  A compliment on its own is part of the tools you can use to empower your child but it doesn’t work on its own, and you also have to know the right way to compliment.

So I’ve collected for you some rules which will help you improve your empowering skills one step at a time and will allow you to give your children a feeling of security and a successful self image.

1. Focus on what’s positive – most of our day is spent telling our children what to do and what not to do and basically control their behavior: “don’t do that!”  “Why are you bothering your brother?” “Don’t climb up there!”.  We are slowly turning into our children’s traffic and behavior officers, busy emphasizing all that is negatives. And when the house is silent and everything is working properly we’re also silent, almost don’t pay any attention at all.  Start training yourselves to focus on the children’s positive behaviors, their good deeds, the thread of positive statements, actions and behaviors they preform.  And start pointing them out.  So when the house is quiet, and everything works well this is the precise time to become involved, to point it out and to praise them.

2. Stop making comparisons – one of the most destructive things for a child’s self image is a detrimental comparison. ‘Why can’t you be a little more like your older sister?’ or ‘why don’t you learn to behave like your friend?’  It makes a person feel terrible.  Imagine your spouse asking you: ‘why can’t you have a better figure, like the neighbor has?’ or ‘why can’t you earn more, like your wealthy cousin does?’.  It might sound funny to think of us speaking that way, and we almost never say anything of the sort to adults because we are careful not to hurt them.  As parents we should be just as careful not to hurt our children’s emotions either.  These are the kind of remarks which teach the child nothing. Instead of pointing out what they ARE capable of, these statements  hurt them and entrench them in their low self image, feeling of helplessness and worthlessness. Rather talk to the child about what was good about their behavior in order to emphasize that positive trace I wrote about in the previous section.

3. Learn to compliment precisely – children flourish and thrive when their accomplishments and achievements are acknowledged. But many parents emphasize successful outcomes and give compliments only when their child brings home high grades from school, or makes a shot at basketball.  This type of compliment accustoms children to focusing on accomplishments and results instead of on the progress they’re making and the effort they put in.  In order to strengthen children’s inner motivation make sure to always compliment the effort they made towards reaching their goals. ‘Well done on your math grade, and well done on your effort this past week.  You studied for half an hour every day, and that’s what helped you succeed’.  Even if the child ‘failed’, or didn’t achieve the desired outcome you can compliment his/ her effort in order to make the point that you can always reach the goal by practicing, studying and putting in an effort.

4. Focus on their strengths – everyone has a talent, every child has his own unique abilities. A child who struggles at school might be a talented athlete, or a socially inept child could have creative abilities.  Michael Phelps, the Olympic swimmer was (and still is) a child was diagnosed with ADHD.  Form a very early age his mother recognized that he was a good swimmer and decided to focus her efforts on emphasizing this talent.  She didn’t focus on trying to make him a better student (concentrating was very hard for him) she focused only on what he was good at, only on his talent.  And the results were quickly apparent.  He won competitions, which built up his confidence even further and allowed him to grow into the greatest swimmer ever.  Every child has the gift he or she was born with.  Sharpen your senses and find that gift and focus on it.  One has a kind and generous heart, another is wonderfully social, a third has a talent for a specific sport, and another has fine motor skills which can be put towards helping with repairs at home, or an artistic talent.  Each with his or her own world.  The more you emphasize the gift each child was given the more you will see how they experience true empowerment and their self confidence grows.

5. Let them try things on their own – the best way to empower a child is… not any of the following: do things for them, lecture them, make fiery speeches at them, suggest what you think they should do, give them advice…  so what should you do?  Let them try, and sometimes let them also fail, let them cope with simple problems so they will learn how much power they have to find solutions, let them solve things at their own pace even if their pace is different from yours, and watch how their confidence grows as they do things on their own.  When our children are experimenting and testing, ‘failing’ and trying again and finally reaching the solution they want without our involvement they find their sources of inner strength and ability, they enhance their comfort zone and actually learn new things in the best way for them.  This is exactly how we empower them, because we send them the message that we trust them and truly believe they can do it.

6. Truly listen to them – our children will always tell us, in words or deeds, what they really want. Be attentive to the signals they give and act in a way which instills in them the feeling of security you want them to have at all times.  Clear some time to spend with them, to listen to them, to be interested in them, their desires and experiences, and share your experiences with them to create a positive dialogue, open and two-sided.  It is absolutely ok to come home and decide that you will let the domestic chores wait for a short while. At first you may dedicate half an hour to conversation, to talking and listening.  The kids’ homework and your housework can wait.  The half hour of listening can be achieved also through play, not just in a formal, round the table discussions.  Research has proven that these are the things children remember best when they are grown up.  The time their parents spent really listening to them and talking to them.

7. Tell them that you love them (even if it’s sometimes hard) – there are days when it’s very easy to tell your children that you love them because they are charming and wonderful, and there are days when it’s more difficult. On both types of days though remind your children how much you love them unconditionally, how wonderful they are, and that you see their beauty and charm in all situations.

And if you want some guidance and direction how to do this, you are welcome to read more about Positive Whispers and how in a one month long process we help children experience outstanding emotional empowerment and improved behavior, and parents experience calm, confidence and control.  At Positive Whispers we have helped hundreds of families and their children overcome day and night time wetting, get over fears, stop soiling, improve their social skills, increase their focus and learning abilities (for children with ADHD), build up their confidence and develop a winning self image.