Unlock the Secrets to Managing Your Child’s Emotions with this Groundbreaking Approach

I remember days when my children would cry, shout, and whine. I remember one instance when my son whined all afternoon, stomped his feet, and I tried to calm him down, talk to him, encourage him, and comfort him. I remember the fear I felt after a few hours of this behavior, which was incredibly nerve-wracking.

I remember having horrible thoughts that this is how it was going to be forever. It’s a terrible feeling of helplessness, and many parents share a similar experience with me. They feel so helpless that they themselves lose control and eventually lash out in impatience.

This approach that I am about to share with you today was created to help you learn how to manage both your own emotions and the intense emotions of your children. It is based on scientific research in the field of neuroscience. Those who know me understand that I always strive to give scientific validity to everything I teach. This approach is built on the latest research and the insights of other experts in the field. And it works – even on my bad days, when I need to remind myself of the basics, I return to what you will learn in this post.

Let’s first define what a situation is where a child experiences a tantrum or frustration. And if you have a daughter, this applies to her as well. This definition is also relevant for adults. We will experience such an outburst of anger and frustration when we are in a state of emotional overload, a very big emotional flood, and we don’t have the tools to deal with it and regulate these emotions which are very big. It’s like someone has a very small cup and it fills with more and more liquid until it is completely overflowing. And within these instances of this emotional overflow, there is another hidden little secret. This is really a call for help. When our children experience this flooding and react with great anger and great frustration, they are simply sending a message that they need help from us to learn to deal with the flooding, learn to regulate their emotions and learn to contain the situation they are in.

In most cases when a child has an outburst, it’s a signal to the parents that they need assistance. Their emotional cup is full and overflowing and they don’t know how to cope with the situation. They’re crying out for help because their emotions are overwhelming and their ability to think logically and act rationally is almost non-existent.

For example, if a child’s ice cream falls and the parent tries to comfort her saying: “It’s okay, we’ll buy you a new one,” and yet the child may continue to cry because she is in a state of emotional flooding and cannot even process the logical solution that is being offered. Or, if a child’s beloved toy is shared with a friend during a play date, and the parents may reassure that the toy will be returned to the child shortly, yet the child may have a tantrum feeling that even those few minutes are an eternity to them and the crying, anger, or frustration continues.

Do you want more examples?

The child who does not want to leave the playground because saying goodbye to the fun experience is difficult for him to understand and he doesn’t have the experience that they can go back again tomorrow or next week, leading to frustration and a tantrum.

The girl who is crying after getting out of the pool because she is cold, despite her mother explaining that they will be next to the towel and she will warm up soon.

The child who is disappointed that they didn’t receive another gift, despite having received an expensive gift just last week, leading to disappointment and frustration.

Let’s talk about adult tantrums. Have you ever stopped to consider what your own tantrum looks like? How do we adults react when faced with poor customer service, a reckless driver, or a perceived injustice? And perhaps most importantly, how do we react when our children push our emotional buttons? There are many ways that we may respond, such as shouting, using profanity, or withdrawing into silence. Others may cope by overeating, escaping into technology, or engaging in other avoidance behaviors such as cleaning excessively. It’s important to recognize that we all have our own ways of reacting to difficult situations.

And there are other ways to cope when emotions are overwhelming, but not all of them are effective and useful. As adults, we have many ways to deal with situations of anger, rage, and frustration, because our ability has improved over the years and our brains have developed. In the next article on the subject, we will also discuss the role of our brain when it comes to children’s attacks of frustration, anger, and tantrums.

But when it comes to our children, it’s important to remember that in these moments of tantrums, frustration, and anger, when parents may feel powerless, there is an opportunity to create a deeper connection and build trust with our children. These behaviors, such as tantrums and crying, are often a symptom of something deeper and are a call for help from our children. By understanding this and treating it more deeply, we can see fewer of these instances. Children who feel seen and understood, who are given space to express their feelings, and who can trust the relationship with their parents, will feel a growing sense of security and be more willing to accept guidance from their parents.

It is important to remember that a child’s tantrums, anger, and crying are not personal attacks on us as parents. They are simply a means of expressing their feelings and seeking help. As adults, it is our responsibility to recognize this and respond in a way that is supportive and understanding. Instead of viewing these behaviors as negative, we should see them as opportunities to build deeper connections and trust with our children. By understanding the underlying emotions and difficulties that may be driving these behaviors, we can help our children feel seen and heard, and ultimately create a more secure and relaxed relationship with them.

And here is another tip that those of you who choose to incorporate it into your life will start to see changes from tomorrow. Every time the child experiences a tantrum, frustration, anger, or meltdown – take a deep breath, physically stand up, and then say to yourself, in your heart or even out loud: “Wow, my child trusts me so much that they allow themselves to act this way. Here is my chance to strengthen our bond and show them that I am here for them.

Is it easy at first? Absolutely not, because usually when we see someone in distress or in the middle of an anger attack, all our triggers as parents are pressed and we ourselves may get into a situation where we express frustration or anger. But there are plenty of tools to first of all teach ourselves how to react when the children experience such an attack and thus protect ourselves from the triggers that are pressed during such behavior of the children.

The saddest thing is to see children growing up in a home where they have no emotional security and no support, they simply don’t cry, don’t whine, don’t express feelings.

I would like to invite you to experiment with a new way of observing the way the children behave and first seeing their every behavior as a blessing and an opportunity to strengthen the relationship.

It’s important to note that this does not mean that if the child is behaving rudely, shouting, or using profanity that you should ignore this behavior. You should make it clear that this is not behavior that you approve of. However, it’s also important to understand that any such behavior is a call for help, and it’s your job as a parent to hear this call and help the child, ultimately strengthening your relationship with them.

I believe that the most important skill we can adopt as parents is the skill of dealing with situations of crisis, such as anger attacks, tantrums, and rage. This is the most important skill we can develop as parents.

The truth is, when children experience tantrums and are in the midst of frustration and crying, they are at their most vulnerable. They are crying out for help. Those observing from the outside may label this behavior as impudence or a lack of listening, but in reality, it is an emotionally complex situation for them and they are drowning in a storm of emotions. Our ability as parents to help and support them during these sensitive, exposed, and vulnerable moments will greatly enhance the relationship between you and your children, not only today, but for many years to come.

We are not just raising children; we are raising the adults they will grow to be. When we understand this, we understand that every interaction in our relationship with our children is an opportunity for growth and a chance to create a positive bond. This perspective makes the process of parenting easier. Every challenge we face with our children can be seen as an opportunity to strengthen our relationship and to find solutions together in a creative way. The stronger the bond, trust and connection between us and our children, the easier the parenting process becomes. Good communication with our children, even at a young age and especially during adolescence, makes the parenting journey much smoother.

Another important reason why this skill is crucial: not only will we help children better manage the overwhelming emotions they experience, but we will also have a deeper understanding of them. We will develop a positive and long-term relationship and by doing so, we will also give children the opportunity to learn how to handle situations of anger and frustration of others.

Just imagine how easily you handle your son’s tantrum while your daughter watches from the sidelines and also learns how to deal with her own emotions and those of her friends, future partner, and children. By observing how you, as a parent, handle situations of anger and frustration, the child who is currently experiencing the anger attack also learns how to use words and problem-solving skills to deal with overwhelming emotions. Through this personal example, children learn how to manage their emotions and gradually have fewer and fewer such outbursts. A stronger relationship between parents and children is key to quickly calming down frustration and anger, raising happy and confident children and, ultimately, making parenting a more enjoyable experience for everyone involved.

Read the second part of this blog post– Unlocking the Secrets of a Child’s Tantrums: The Brain Behind the Emotions