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Unlocking the Secrets of a Child’s Tantrums: The Brain Behind the Emotions

In my previous blog post: Unlock the Secrets to Managing Your Child’s Emotions with this Groundbreaking Approach I wrote about how a child’s tantrum can often be a call for help when they are overwhelmed by emotions. I’ve explained that the child’s emotional cup is full and they don’t know how to cope with the situation, leading to frustration and anger. I’ve highlights the importance of recognizing the role of the brain in these moments and the opportunity for parents to create a deeper connection with their children by understanding and dealing with the root of the problem. If you haven’t read it yet click here to do so.

When it comes to managing children’s tantrums, frustration, or anger, it’s crucial to understand the role of our brains in these situations. Personally, I find the brain to be the key organ that activates everything and it’s why I find it so fascinating. After reading this article, I am confident that you will gain valuable insights into why children react the way they do in moments of frustration or anger. Let’s take a closer look, from a personal perspective, at three crucial parts of the brain that are essential to understand in order to manage children’s tantrums effectively.

The Reptilian Brain

The reptilian brain is a crucial component of our brain and plays an important role in our physiological survival. This is the most primitive part of our brain and manages some of the most basic functions that are vital for our survival, such as breathing, blood circulation, and digestion. These functions occur automatically without any active action on our part and that is because the reptilian brain takes care of them.

One of the most important things to understand about the reptilian brain is that it operates on a survival instinct. This means that it is focused on ensuring that we remain alive and well, by performing functions that are necessary for our physiological survival. The reptilian brain doesn’t think, it just acts. It operates on automatic pilot, making sure that our body functions the way it is supposed to.

Another aspect of the reptilian brain is that it is not concerned with things that are not essential for our survival. This means that it doesn’t waste time or energy on things like emotions, thoughts or personal desires. It is solely focused on ensuring that our body remains healthy and functioning well. This is why the reptilian brain is often referred to as the survival brain, as it is the first line of defense in ensuring that we stay alive and well.

In conclusion, the reptilian brain plays an important role in our lives and understanding its function is crucial to understanding why our body operates the way it does. By understanding the reptilian brain, we can gain a deeper insight into our own physiology and the functions that are necessary for our survival.

The Mammalian Brain

Our mammalian brain, which encompasses the limbic system and the amygdala gland, is responsible for managing our emotions and creating our fight, flight, or freeze responses. These automatic reactions are triggered when we perceive a threat and serve to help us preserve our safety and stay alive. The speed at which these responses occur is critical, as they must happen quickly in order to keep us safe in dangerous situations.

In the past, these responses were essential for survival, allowing our ancestors to quickly react to incoming threats like wild animals or enemy tribes. But today, while there may still be some dangerous situations, the type of threats we face are different. Despite this, our mammalian brain continues to operate in the same way, producing automatic, reflexive responses even when there is no real danger to our lives.

This can be seen in moments of frustration and anger with our children, when an instinctive reaction may arise, as if we are in immediate danger. Our reactions in these situations are often on autopilot, with our mammalian brain taking control and driving our behavior. This is because, even though the dangers we face today are different from those of the past, our mammalian brain continues to work tirelessly to ensure our safety.

The Thinking Brain- Neo Cortex

The third and final part of our brain which is crucial to understand with regard to our children’s tantrums and emotional reactions is the thinking brain. The thinking brain also known as the neocortex, is responsible for our executive functions, including problem-solving, creativity, humor, logic, thinking, planning, and other high-level behaviors. This is the most advanced part of our brain that includes the cortex and the incredibly important pre-frontal cortex. This is the area responsible for problem solving, creativity, humor, logic, thinking, planning, and many other high-level behaviors. This part of our brain reaches its peak development at the age of 25, and it is important to remember that our children’s brains are much less developed in this area compared to our own.

As adults, we can easily follow a logical morning routine: wake up, brush our teeth, get dressed, and make coffee.

But for children, things may not be so straightforward. They might wake up swinging, forget to brush their teeth, or take ten minutes to put on each sandal. This is simply because this part of their brain is not yet fully developed. By understanding the development of the thinking brain, we can better understand why children sometimes struggle with seemingly simple tasks and why it is important to be patient and supportive as they grow and develop.

What happens in our child’s brain during a tantrum?

When a child experiences a fit of anger, frustration, and rage, it’s a sign that their thinking brain, the higher part of the brain responsible for executive functions, is not in control. Instead, the emotional brain, or the mammalian brain, is at the forefront of the situation. This is where our emotions are managed, and where fight, flight, or freeze responses are generated, automatic coping mechanisms that are triggered in response to perceived threats.

During these episodes of tantrums, the emotional brain takes over, and as parents, it’s crucial to understand this so that we can approach the situation in an effective manner. Trying to reason with a child who is in the midst of an emotional flood is an ineffective strategy. Logical explanations, no matter how valid they may seem to us, won’t resonate with the child. When the emotional brain is in control, all the child can hear is “Chinese.”

The mammalian brain is programmed to protect us in times of danger and keep us safe. It operates at tremendous speed, making decisions in a split second based on our perception of danger. This is why it’s important to understand that, for a child in the midst of a tantrum, the situation feels dangerous to them. This can be due to a variety of reasons, including feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or unheard. The child’s interpretation of the situation is that they are in danger, and so the mammalian brain takes over to protect them.

As parents, our role is to help our children navigate these situations and regain control. I will write about this further in my next blog post.

As parents, it’s crucial to understand that children can get overwhelmed by their emotions and we can’t expect them to have a rational conversation at that moment. Our role in these situations is to reach out to them in an emotional manner, to ease their tension, stress, anxiety, anger, and frustration, and create a connection with them. By doing this, we can help bring them back to a state of calm, where their thinking brain can regain control.

Only then, we can have a discussion about the logical aspects and the best way to handle the situation that triggered their emotional outburst or similar scenarios in the future. It’s important to remember that our children are still developing their cognitive abilities, and their emotions can sometimes get the best of them. By approaching them with empathy and understanding, we can help them grow into well-rounded individuals who can manage their emotions effectively.

As parents, it’s crucial to remember that when our children are going through an emotional outburst, trying to reason with them is not the most effective approach. In these moments, the emotional part of their brain is in control and the logical side is inactive. Our job is to connect with them emotionally and help bring them back to a state of calm where their rational mind can take over.

To do this, we need to speak to the emotional mind of the child. We need to acknowledge their feelings and talk to them in an emotional language. This can help them regain emotional control and bring them back to a state where they can think logically.

In the next post, I’ll go into detail on how to do this step-by-step, including the specific words you should use. But for now, I want to focus on what to avoid in these situations.

When children are in the midst of a tantrum, it’s not the time for logical explanations, justifications, or arguments. These approaches are speaking to the logical mind, which is currently inactive, and only leads to further frustration and a negative cycle of arguments and mutual misunderstanding.

If offering simple solutions like “next time at the playground you can play on the slides” or “tomorrow we’ll buy you more ice cream” doesn’t help, it’s a sign that your child is in an emotional state and a logical solution is not appropriate. The key is to first connect with them emotionally and then address the situation logically.


Another thing to avoid is to never judge or criticize your children. Statements such as “You always whine, when will you grow up?” or “Why can’t you talk like a big girl?” or “I already told you three times, why are we discussing this again?” or “That’s what happens when you hit someone, you’ll have to face the consequences” can be hurtful and damaging to your child.

Just thinking about these statements makes me feel uneasy, and I can only imagine the impact it would have on a child who is already in an emotional state, overwhelmed and not able to control their actions. This type of criticism only adds to their distress and reinforces the idea that they are wrong and everything is wrong. It’s important to remember that during emotional outbursts, the logical part of their brain is not functioning, and they need support and understanding, not judgment and criticism.

Oh, the thought of using time-out as a punishment really makes me feel sad. It’s a common practice among parents today, sending their children to their rooms or making them sit on a designated time-out chair. But what really happens in these moments? The child is isolated, left alone with their emotions and feelings of sadness and sorrow.

Recent studies in neuroscience have shed light on the impact of time-out on a child’s brain function. The findings show that when a child is in time-out, the same area of the brain responsible for feeling pain becomes active. The child feels as if they have been separated from their family or scolded by the parent, leading to feelings of hurt and fear.

As a result, the child will likely cry and beg for forgiveness just to end the feeling of pain. They may start to believe that they are not loved if they have done something wrong. It’s so important to find alternative methods of addressing behavior issues and we will explore those in the next blog post.

I understand that as parents, your intention is always to do the best for your children and to guide them towards the right behavior. But when your child is in the midst of an emotional outburst, sending them away for time out or trying to have a logical conversation with them is not the solution.

In moments of anger, frustration, or tantrums, children are not in a state to listen, absorb or internalize new information. The most effective learning occurs when children are in a positive emotional state. This is why punishing or punishing a child during such times can be harmful.

I’m writing this not to make you feel bad about your actions. I too have been in situations where I was overwhelmed with emotions and felt helpless. I share this with you to raise awareness and to help you understand the importance of avoiding these actions in the future. It’s important to remember that every child experiences emotional flooding, and our role as parents is to talk to them in an emotional language and help them regain their emotional control.

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